The Anonymous Art Ambassador, a 15-year art-world veteran who has apparently not yet seen it all, works as an art dealer.

Dear Collectors,

As all mass emails from galleries begin: “I hope this finds you well.” But in truth, I only care if this finds you.

As many of us spend these summer months drowning our brains in mind-numbing vacation activities or preparing for the start of the new art school year in September, I’d like to take this opportunity to suggest some summer reading—and, hopefully, learning—imparting to you unspoken gallery rules that you may know but choose to ignore or do not know at all.

(To the gallerists reading: I’m sure that what I’m about to say you’ve repeated 100 times over, sharing very “memorable” client stories with your fellow art cliques over copious amounts of wine, the alcohol being the only thing keeping you from a full-on conniption. In this little column I’ve been so graciously asked to write, I want to say that I understand your pain.)

In short, this is a simple list of “SHIT WE WANT YOU TO KNOW.”

BE HUMBLE! Recognize that when you acquire an artwork, you’re one of many clients we have. While the term “collector” may seem important, it has become a loosely used word that encapsulates speculators, flippers, buyers, investors, etc. We use the word for simplicity, but trust me when I say that we’re not above putting a big “WOT” (Waste of Time) under your name in our client database, or even worse, “TWOT” (Total Waste of Time), with multiple exclamation points! Everyone from the intern sitting at the front desk to the owner of the gallery watches and talks. You do not want your face to be the one causes everyone to roll their eyes behind your back because you are a complete egotistical and psychotic ASS that requires everyone to drop everything to attend to you, or because you’re the perpetual flirt just looking for a date by pretending to acquire something.

BUILD RELATIONSHIPS! A gallery is NOT like Dior, where we must sell to you just because you can whip out a black Amex. Everyone who walks in knowing the prices and looking to buy a work has money! It comes down to relationships. As we build a relationship with you, there needs to be reciprocation on your end, which involves both trust and respect. If you’re serious about collecting the best works, then you better have the BEST relationship! I was once told, “We sell to friends.” Obviously, a gallerist is going to send the newest and best works of the hottest artist to their BFF who loves the work before the annoying person who can’t make a decision on anything, asks for huge discounts, never pays on time, and makes the gallerist want to kill themself every time the phone rings with their name.

DON’T WASTE OUR TIME! Do not ask us to go out with you without having any important business to discuss. I repeat, we are NOT a dating service. While most of us are admittedly high-functioning alcoholics and are happy to drink and socialize, we also do not want to be conned into spending hours talking about an artwork when you’re not interested in it. Do not ask us for something and then simply ghost. It’s not acceptable in dating, so why would you think it’s OK in a gallery setting? This gallery scene may seem like one big party to you, but it is an actual industry where artists’ careers are on the line! It’s like asking for someone’s number at a bar and then not calling! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK IN THE FIRST PLACE?! Asking for details, a price, for us to hold something, etc. and then disappearing is completely disrespectful and your parents should have taught you better! Yes, I’m including you, random Artsy inquirers! If you ask for something and you’re no longer interested or it is out of the price range, the least you can do is politely decline!

BE SANE ABOUT PRICES. Ask for prices when you’re serious, and please do NOT request the entire price list! Ugh! While most of us will begrudgingly send it to you, know that we ARE judging you. It’s called visual art, which requires LOOKING at the image to see what you like before looking at prices to decide what you can afford. If you do not know the prices, ask for a range. Artists and galleries usually split the sale price 50/50. Their share goes toward living and making work, and our share goes to support the gallery, so if you ask for 30 percent off, or even 40 percent off, and I say OK, it’s mostly likely that I don’t give a flying fuck about that artist’s career, and I just want you to take it off my hands, or I’ve priced the work WAYYY too high and no one is buying. Also, a steep discount may be a win for you, but asking for, or even taking, it reveals that you clearly have no respect for the copious number of hours that the artist put into their work or that the gallery put into building their career. Oh! And shipping is not free!

PAY ON TIME! Or, if you’re lucky enough to develop such a relationship with a gallerist that they allow you to pay in installments, then pay when you said you would. If you show you really love a work, the gallerist will hopefully work with you to get it. Communication is key! The artist and the gallerist would rather sell to a buyer who will cherish the work forever than someone who simply buys with plans to flip it.

This is probably the last business where big numbers are agreed on with a “gentleman’s handshake.” For transactions of a few thousand dollars to hundreds of millions of dollars, there can be no messy paperwork, no lawyers, and very little oversight, but there is a LOT of trust. DO NOT FUCK UP THAT TRUST!

Sincerely,

The Anonymous Art Ambassador