If you’re anything like us, you rely heavily on art to make sense of the world around you. Maybe you’re constantly using annoying art historical tropes to explain things to friends, or maybe you recently found yourself alone at the Whitney, staring into a giant Koons ball and whispering, “Who am I?”
If so, you’re in luck. We’ve taken 10 ubiquitous paintings from the canon and ascribed some very, well, honest attributes to them. So pick your favorite, and see what it says about you. We guarantee you’ll only be a little bit offended.
The Mystery
You refuse to wear your emotions on your sleeve, preferring instead to keep ’em guessing. Therein lies the source of your strange charisma.
Leonardo da Vinci, Mona Lisa (1503–1517). Courtesy of the Louvre.
The Hipster
Long hair? Check. Scruffy face? Check. Giant, druggy pupils? Check, check.
Gustave Courbet, Le Désespéré (1845).
The Stress-Case
You need to mellow out. Just being around you is making us want to scream.
Edvard Munch, The Scream.
The Smooth Operator
You have the uncanny ability to turn people into putty with your words. Little do they know, you are even more slippery than you seem.
René Magritte, The Son of Man (1964).
The Brooding One
You may seem normal, but after closer inspection, there’s something lurking underneath those eyes. Suffice it to say, your roommates are terrified of you.
Vincent van Gogh, Self Portrait With Felt Hat (1887).
The Tortured Artist
You suffer for your passion, longing for the day when your talent will be recognized. May we suggest faking your own death?
Pablo Picasso, The Old Guitarist(1903).
The It Girl
We get it, we get it. You’re pretty and popular and everyone loves you. Enough already.
Sandro Botticelli, The Birth of Venus (1486).
The Ingenue
Shy, alluring, and quietly beautiful, your beholders don’t know quite understand you. But they sure wish they did.
Johannes Vermeer, Girl With a Pearl Earring (1665).
The Narcissist
If it doesn’t have to do with you, you don’t wanna know about it. You’re convinced that you are the most attractive, interesting person in any room. And perhaps you are.
Andy Warhol, Self-Portrait (1986)
The Old Fuddy-Duddy
Just kidding. If that were true, you wouldn’t be using the internet, because you wouldn’t understand what that is.
Grant Wood, American Gothic (1930).